Age 12 vs. Age 28. I kinda look exactly the same.
Hey! My name is Lacy.
This is a blog to discuss and track my physical fitness goals! I am constantly in a process of learning how best to deal with being a human with a body and it is really helpful for me to have community while working this process out.
I come from a background of extremes. Growing up, I was mostly an indoor-kid. I wasn’t into physical activity at all and was much more comfortable reading books in my room then breaking a sweat on the playing field. As long as I can remember I have felt awkward in my body and school gym classes were a complete nightmare. I made up every excuse possible to not have to participate. I grew up eating fast food and hamburger helper and had no real concept about nutrition.
When I was fourteen years old I went vegan, which you would think might mean I got into healthier eating. Not so! My family didn’t know what to do with my new veganism and I did not have the tools to nourish myself properly. I lived on a diet of “oriental flavor” top ramen (the only flavor that is vegan!), bagels and margarine, deep fried fake meat, boca burgers on white bread, and spaghetti with marinara sauce from a jar for five years. When I was 19 I moved to Philadelphia, PA, wich is a land of vegan junk food if that’s your thing. I didn’t really know my body was changing when I was there, but looking back at pictures I can clearly see that my overly processed and gluten based diet lead me to be the heaviest I have ever been in my life. While I was not at all technically overweight I was pudgy in ways that felt strange on my relatively small frame, I was cranky all the time, I was exhausted, and I was plagued with terrible seasonal allergies. I wasn’t using my body at all except for short bike commutes and by the time I left Pennsylvania at age 21 I was the most depressed I had ever been.
I moved to Portland, OR and a few things naturally fell into place for me physically and emotionally. I discovered that gluten was really destroying my stomach and started to give it up. I was really poor and got really into not spending any money at all on food if I could help it. It was summer when I arrived in town and for months I was able to eat almost exclusively from the garden of the house I was subletting at. I biked much longer distances then I had in Philly because I was traversing the entire city looking for a job and I got really excited about going out dancing and enjoyed working up a sweat for the first time in my life as a result. I naturally lost weight without even really noticing and my mood and allergies both improved tenfold.
A few years later my heart was broken in a very surprising and quick fashion. Although a lot of things in my life had falllen into place on the west coast I found myself really at a loss with the break up and was basically unable to really eat or sleep. I lost a lot of weight as a result and when I noticed I decided I would continue to do so, really just to give me something to do. I focused on it as a way to distract me from having to deal with the other emotional BS in my life, and eventually sort of lost myself to the process. I am five foot seven inches and within six months I weighed less then 100 pounds. I exercised insanely, was terrified of fruit, fat, carbs, and sugar and one by one I began to lose friends, hobbies, and focus. What started out as a way to distract myself from being sad turned into a years long battle with a myriad of food and exercise problems. It still surprises me to see how my obsession with control totally took over every aspect of my life and nearly killed me in the process. When I look back I feel really sad for that heart broken version of myself and wish I could tell her that she doesn’t have to self destruct to feel okay. It would have been a lot smarter to be really nice and compassionate with myself when I was feeling so bummed instead of turning on my body like it was an enemy.
I have been in a healthy weight range for a few years now but every day I think about my eating disorder and how it effects me. I have learned a ton about exercise, diet and nutrition in the process of my recovery (as I researched these things pretty obsessively). On one hand, I have learned to love physical activity and take a lot of pleasure in making myself delicious healthy meals after working up a serious sweat. On the other hand I really don’t think that I will ever confidently be able to say I am 100% “recovered”. There is a constant danger in slipping into unhealthy habits and so I need to be honest with other people about things I am doing and why I am doing them to keep me on the side of physical health and not food and exercise batshit-crazyness. This blog is an attempt to do just that, a shot at complete transparency . I would love to build some community so feel free to drop me a line: firstname.lastname@example.org